Monthly Archives: June 2010

JO/Knife Fight…hmmm should I?

This was just sent to me, make sure you read the whole listing, its worth it.. Also not sure how my friend found this listing… but whatever, I’m not one to judge.

Craigslist — I’m a serious bro looking for a equally/more serious bro with fancy footwork. The idea is to tie our wrists together ala the “Beat It” video and then each JO/knife fight in a profound spiritual act of consensual hetero awesomeness. I would have done this way sooner but have little faith in humanity.

-access to an abandoned warehouse
-old enough/built kinda awesome
-maintains good eye contact
-general intensity
-cool moves
-leather jackets ( I had to give the one in the pic back – long story, I can tell you when we finish)
-basic knowledge of knife/sword/bat fight etiquette (I can teach you what I know if you are pretty serious about art like me)
-can lift 80 lbs
-bachelor’s in something or equivalent experience
-not a narc

Whereas dudes/J-ing O are both undeniably awesome, I’m a straight bro. As in not gay. I just really love MJ and being open minded about new JO scenarios. We will basically play “Beat It” over and over again while we JO and dance, occasionally parrying/thrusting. Winner finishes the most times, but points will be awarded for finishing first/accuracy. If you’re the heter-bro I’m looking for, then we can JO furiously/competitively and then just hang or whatever. I’ve got laser tag too. I’m pretty serious about this. As in completely serious. If you touch my junk with anything but your own I will BF you in the M. Nerds/gays need not apply. I’M NOT GAY.

P.S. – And I’ve gotten with hot chicks as recently as just now.

Pretty sure I have every requirement on lock. Cool moves? check. General Intensity? check. Maintain eye contact? Let’s just say I haven’t stopped staring at this screen.. so check. My one problem is I don’t think I could JO in a warehouse. I mean, I take that shit pretty emotionally, I like to put on some Sade, dim the lights, pour myself a glass of wine, lay flower pedals on the bed, and just enjoy my own company. I don’t like to rush into these things. I’m going to have to seriously contemplate before I respond to this listing.

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Why is Lance Armstrong robbing banks??

(CNN)A bank robber masquerading as a bike messenger has struck again.

The serial bandit, who uses a two-wheeler to pedal away from his heists, held up a bank on Monday afternoon, the Santa Cruz, California, Police Department said.

“He rolled in on a bike,” police spokesman Zach Friend said. “We spoke to the FBI and they believe he is associated with other robberies in the San Francisco area.”

Okay San Fran PD, MMango is here and about to break your case… First, stop crying about this guy being the next Whitey Bulger and you can’t catch him because he’s so elusive. The man is overweight, whiter than Powder and popping wheelies on a fuckin Huffy. Second and most important,  hire the cast of Pacific Blue and start the bike cop division.. and don’t even THINK about complaining that bike cops are gay (let’s don’t forget where you live). Mario Lopez and the rest of the cast will catch this guy in 30 minutes (23 if you don’t include commercial breaks) and then you can get back to eating Double Downs. Done and done.

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I just stumbled upon the most disturbing image on this new thing called the world wide web (check it out, its crazy). Well, since I’m heading up to NH this weekend, I was going to talk about how I’m gonna grab a 12 pack of PBR and a box of Slim Jims, hop in the canoe and go fishing for one day (thats how bored I am today). Well, I wanted grab an image of some crazy hillbilly fishing in a banana boat with empty Steel Reserve cans all around him and say how that’s what my life will be on Friday… but no, I found this. I purposely didn’t post the picture on here because it terrifies me. Beware.

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UPDATE: Kids with condoms…makes sense

So remember when MMango posted about elementary schools kids getting hooked up with a shit ton of condoms in P-town?

Well looks like the superintendent is apologizing for a huge misunderstanding: — Superintendent Beth Singer said in the e-mailed letter Tuesday that the district will revise the written policy, adopted June 8, to make it clearer that elementary school-aged students won’t be able to obtain a condom if they request one from the school nurse.

The Cape Cod Times reports that she wrote it became necessary to revise the policy’s wording after it was “so badly understood and misrepresented by the media.”

The policy, set to take effect in the fall, appeared to set no minimum age for students to receive condoms without parental consent.

Right. Cause it still makes sense for 7, 8, and 9 year olds to have full access to condoms…

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The Time Traveler LAKEMOOR, Ill. — Police said a 30-year-old woman apparently fell out of a third-story window, landed on her parked car, and then walked into a neighbor’s house, where she fell asleep on a couch for two hours. Lakemoor Police Chief Mike Marchese said family members believe the woman woke up before dawn Thursday and fell through the screen while opening a third-floor window.

Marchese said the woman bounced off the hood of her car, walked through a neighbor’s open garage door and went into the house.

The neighbor found her asleep two hours later and called 911.

Talk about time traveling. This woman was acting like it her first frat party freshman year at Florida State. Let go of the dream and put down the Keystone Ice; it’s time to hang your party hat up.

I’m also 98% positive the “woman” in this story is actually the star of this YouTube classic:

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Parents of the Year

YPSILANTI, Mich. — Authorities said a drunken man and woman were arrested after they were found pushing a baby stroller holding two young boys, open containers of alcohol and a bayonet inside. Police said in a statement that the 30-year-old woman and 52-year-old man were arrested after police were called about 1:30 a.m. Friday when the woman tried to take a bike off a porch.

Now, there was no picture associated with this article, so I took the liberty in creating my own. I really feel like I’m spot on with the characters in this story. Well anyways… it’s only June and I have no problem tossing out the Parents of the Year award to these two. When I was a kid I had to play with Nerf guns (which were fucking awesome) and rubber knifes (less awesome, but cool) and I thought I was living the life…but an actual bayonet!? Hats off kids, you are by far the envy of all children.

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K-F-C Ain’t Nutin to F*ck with

SAN DIEGO — A would-be robber wielding a chain at a San Diego Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant didn’t count on one of the customers being an armed, off-duty, plainclothes police sergeant. Witnesses said the man barged in Saturday afternoon, smashed his heavy chain on the counter and ordered all the employees into the kitchen.

But before he could open the cash register, the sergeant pointed his gun at the man and ordered him to the ground.

ATTENTION ALL CRIMINALS: Donuts are out, Double Downs are in. Please return to robbing all donut shops. Thank you, that is all.

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Computer Porn: An Epidemic

QUINCY, Mass. — A city councilor in Massachusetts thinks he’s come up with a way to stop people looking at pornography on public library computers — name them and shame them.

Quincy Councilor Daniel Raymondi has asked Mayor Thomas Koch to make public a list of people who have viewed pornography on library computers within the past year. The council unanimously approved a resolution on the idea last week.

Moment of silence for the pervs of Quincy…. Now I’m not sure how to react to these people, because I almost feel bad. How desperate are you that you  have to resort to watching porn at the library?  I just don’t think I could watch two girls, a guy, a midget and a horse go at it while sitting next to a 5th grader doing a science project and and an old lady organizing the Dewey Decimal system, but whatever that’s me, call me old fashioned.

Elizadeath: Wow MMango…I didn’t think you were such a prude. This makes me wish I still lived in Cambridge and had access to Harvard and MIT’s libraries…

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Jersey’s Wild N’ Out!

No seriously. WTF is up with this: — “Jersey Shore” could potentially become even more unsettling: Asbury Park, N.J., is considering letting women go topless on their beaches.

Legally, all the beaches in New York are potentially topless beaches, since a court ruling that it was discrimination to require women to wear a shirt, but … New York isn’t where Bruce Springsteen is from. Now a trip to The Boss’s hometown could possibly be the most ridiculously manly day-trip ever — “Thunder Road” and ogling uncovered breasts all day long. A six-pack of something cheap and disgusting should probably also be incorporated.

The measure to legalize women walking around with no shirt on is set to go before city council for a vote on July 7. The only reason given for the measure is that women all over the world go topless at beaches, and New Jersey women are at least as beautiful as everyone else. Whatever. If it means fewer tan lines, we support it.

Have you ever been to the Dirty Jerz? It’d be one thing if it were Brazil or some other country where the women are ridiculously good looking…but we’re talking about the home of Janeane Garofalo, Wendy Willians, Tara Reid , and Danielle from The Real Housewives of NJ. Those are eight boobies that I do NOT want to see (again in the case of Tara Reid).

Seriously though; I’m never going to NJ again. It really is the armpit of America…

MMango: To be completely honest, I already thought this was legal at the Shore. I mean, have you seen the clothes that JWoww wore out, there’s more tit showing than clothing. These girls have been waiting years to flaunt their fake titties all over the beach and I will not stop them. I just have one suggestion: If the beaches are topless, guys are forced to wear two bathing suits

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Does this drink taste a lil fishy to you?

WASILLA, Alaska —The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla just recently launched its Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka, about a year after the Seattle-based Black Rock Spirits introduced a bacon-flavored vodka.

Oh Wasilla… Just when we thought you’ve given us something bad (see Sarah Palin), you just one-up it with something worse. Example: Salmon favored vodka. First off, ewww. Secondly, I might be speaking for myself here, but when I’m out drinking, I’m trying to avoid anything that smells or tastes like a fish.

More importantly, can someone can get me a scrambled egg flavored liquor to mix with the bacon vodka? Ultimate combo! America sure knows how to do vodka. Take that Russia, can’t say I’ve been prouder to be an American. Fuck Yeah!

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