Monthly Archives: September 2010

Late Night with Jimmy and Justin

I really need to start watching the Late Show with Jimmy Fallon, because this is not the first time that I’ve seen a clip from his show that I’ve absolutely loved. I think the fact that he can’t keep a straight face or his composure during skits is what makes these things so awesome.. and well JT is JT, nuff said.

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Monkeys to serve as security guards in Indian.

Wait…what?

Yahoo.com — Ever heard somebody say that their job’s so easy a trained monkey could do it? Organizers of the Commonwealth Games in India are testing out that theory.

When the international sporting event begins next week in New Delhi, organizers will deploy 38 trained langur monkeys to patrol the grounds in an attempt to scare away smaller, stray primates that can roam the streets of Delhi.

The langurs, which are giant, gray monkeys with black faces, will be on a leash and accompanied by a trainer. They’ll be positioned outside various venues and tasked with keeping wild monkeys from causing havoc in and around the Games.

 

Oh, India. Next thing you know, langur monkey’s will be serving as flight attendants on Air India and working in customer service, helping you through your tech issues the next time your PC shits the bed. Or maybe they’ll be serving me my Slumdog Millionaire special at New India Palace and taking my order at Dunkin’ Donuts. I mean, it’s kinda of like Pringles, no? Once you pop the fun don’t stop? Once people get wind of these trained monkey security guards they’ll be all over the place. Just protecting my life and serving me food with their shit-covered hands. I can’t wait.

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Oh shit, I’m outta here

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Jacksonville Jaguars receiver Kassim Osgood leapt out a second-floor window to escape a gun-wielding man who attacked him and a 19-year-old Jaguars cheerleader, according to police.

The armed intruder exchanged gunfire with his ex-girlfriend, Mackenzie Rae Putnal, after putting a gun to her head on Monday night, according to the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office.

The gunman took Putnal’s cell phone and tackled her as she tried to flee. When he ordered the couple to sit on the floor, she escaped downstairs in her parents’ home and grabbed a gun, police said. They shot at each other and both missed.

Osgood, meanwhile, jammed a chair under the door, jumped out a window to the lawn below and ran to a neighbor’s house to call police.

I love this story because the sequence of events feels like it was pulled straight from a cookie-cutter action movie. Man and Girlfriend hanging out watching TV. Ex-boyfriend comes in and pistol whips the shit out of everyone. Girlfriend escapes downstairs, gets a gun, and has a shootout with the ex. Current boyfriend dips out the window. Classic! I just wish there was commentary with this story, because i feel that Osgood probably said “Oh shit I’m outta here” about 15-20 times, easily.

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Bloomies sale!

I know this is totally random and out of the ordinary for MDHT, but I had to share.

20% off online and in stores. Have at it.

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Trying to bust a nut

MSNBC – Police said a district judge from Intercourse, Pa., hid condoms inside acorns and handed them out to women in the state Capitol complex last week.

A summary charge of disorderly conduct was filed Tuesday against Isaac H. Stoltzfus, who presides over low-level cases as a district judge in Lancaster County.

The citation from Capitol Police said the 58-year-old jurist gave the acorns to unsuspecting women, who were offended when they discovered the contents.

Stoltzfus’ office referred questions to defense attorney Heidi Eakin, who didn’t immediately return a phone message Wednesday.

Hold on, lets rewind here. There is a town called Intercourse Pennsylvania? BAHAHAHA. Wow, way to step it up in naming cities. Go America!

Oh and this judge has some serious rocks. Intercourse. HA

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War vets never die…seriously

NYPost.com — A 67-year-old veteran sitting with his dog outside his East Village building yesterday morning was nearly crushed to death when an AC unit was dislodged from a sixth-floor window and hurtled toward him.

Anthony Franzese amazingly avoided the ultimate urban nightmare when an awning absorbed most of the blow — but still got clobbered when the canopy collapsed on his head, city officials said.

The injured man then crawled toward the street, more concerned with retrieving his pet Shih Tzu than stopping the blood gushing from his head, witnesses said. He was rushed to Bellevue Hospital and treated for minor injuries.

You can’t kill a war vet. They are indestructable.

I’m serious, I think there’s something about fighting in a war that makes you invincible. I mean, look at my g-pa. Man fought in the South Pacific; spent 43 days on a boat from San Diego to Guadacanal. And guess what? He’s 90. 90! He’s a lifetime smoker and drinker and probably should have died years ago but he didn’t…because he fought in a war. I’m telling you, there’s no other explanation. I expect the same thing to happen to my dad and MMango’s dad. There’s just something about putting your life on the line like that to guarantee your place here on Earth.

As a side note, you really should read the whole story. It’s outrageous. Dude’s a squatter who hears Chinese voices in his head. I hope to meet him one day.

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Great reporting by Fox News

This guy probably just found out he was fired, right? This can’t be real.

Also — has this guy ever used a meat grinder before? No, right?

P.S. you can read the story here if you feel so inclined.

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6 degrees of Kevin Bacon

Is this the best or worst use of bacon?

AOL.com — What if Hollywood actor Kevin Bacon were actually made out of tasty, crispy bacon?

Well, that delicious dream is now a reality thanks to J&D Foods, a Seattle company that specializes in all things bacon, from its very own bacon-flavored salt and mayonnaise — aka “Baconnaise” — to bacon-flavored lip balm and “MMMvelopes,” envelopes that taste like bacon when the seal is licked.

Since owners Justin Esch and Dave Lefkow live by the motto “everything is better with bacon,” the duo — in partnership with bacon-crafting website What Do Bacon Do? — decided to commission an artist to make a life-size bust of Kevin Bacon entirely out of bacon.

The bust is being auctioned off on eBay for 10 days starting Wednesday at 12:01 a.m., and all proceeds from the sale of the wacky art piece will go to Ashley’s Team, a nonprofit organization with a simple mission: to bring joy to children with cancer and their families.

I love bacon (both Kevin and the salty, cured meat), but I’m gonna have to say that this is a total waste of the delicious strips. Sure, it’s being sold on eBay for charity and shit, but why didn’t they just auction off a dance-off with K-Bacon himself? They’d make a shit ton of money with that. I just keep thinking of all the Dunkin’ Donut breakfast sammies that are lacking because of the bacon shortage this bust created…and I’m weeping as a result.

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Obama’s Ipod

CSMonitor – President Obama’s taste in music still tilts toward the classics of his childhood. But with the help of his younger aides – and his daughters – the president says his collection is becoming a bit more hip.

In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine, Obama says his iPod has about 2,000 songs, including ones by Stevie Wonder, Bob Dylan and the Rolling Stones. The president’s personal aide Reggie Love has improved Obama’s rap repertoire, introducing him to artists like Nas and Lil Wayne.

What I would give to listen to Illmatic with President Obama. Correction. What I would give to listen to Tha Carter III with President Obama. Imagine spittin word for word, bobbing your head to You ain’t Got Nothin’…. aw damn, just picture him saying “I’m getting money like a motherfucker”

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