I’ve been the recipient of one too many awkward, unsolicited Valentine’s Day gifts. So as an unofficial V-Day expert, I’d like to provide you all with a list of gifts NOT to bring your lovah…
There’s nothing quite like a bouquet of flowers that remind you of High School Valentine grams/middle school dance recitals to make you feel like a million bucks. Seriously dudes, don’t go the carnation route. Better yet, avoid flowers altogether. I once received a dozen red roses from a gentleman who was thoroughly surprised that I wasn’t actually interested in receiving them. Maybe you should try gifting something that won’t die after a few days? I mean, nothing says “I’ll love you forever” like a bouquet of limp, dried-out roses.
2. Stuffed Animals
This is a no brainer…unless we’re time traveling back to 1993 and are sitting on the back of the bus with my boyfriend Corey Ng (who, I found out via MySpace, is now fabulously gay). Oh, and it doesn’t matter if it’s from Rite Aid or Build-A-Bear or Bergdof — that shit belongs to babies and horders.
3. Female Enhancement Pills
I hope I don’t have to explain myself here…
4. Sex Books
Nothing says sexy like lots and lots of words. Oh, and if you have to read a book on how to bone, you probably shouldn’t be smashing genitals in the first place.
5. Anything Fuzzy
Since sneezing fits/allergy attacks are so hot right now, let’s pop a couple Bendaryl and see what happens! Bet it’s like the poor man’s version of Ambien sex…
6. Dunkin’ Donuts’ Cupid’s Choice Donuts
Do you really want to see someone naked after eating one (or 6) of these? I didn’t think so.
Probably not the nicest thing you could give someone this Valentine’s Day. I mean, it’s kind of thoughtful that you’d want to give someone a gift that will last longer than a bouquet of roses, but the medical bills/shame and embarrassment would most likely negate that.
8. Fundies: The Underwear That’s Built for Two
I’m no expert in anything tandem (bicycles, skydiving, etc.) but I have to imagine getting into these is the single most awkward activity a couple could engage in. Just a total mood killer.
Hope you all have a wonderful Hallmark holiday, kiddos.