So the crazy Vegas weekend can finally commence. Me and Mikey are sitting in the airport sucking back mixed drinks (how appropriate) and setting a mental itinerary of things to do. In the spirit of Vegas, he’s setting the over/under of 11 1/2 girls I have to propose to.. I’m going to blow that out of the water. Shit is about to get real weird.
11:30 am Update We’ve demolished the airport bar and are now boarding this flight. Completely surrounded by sleeping babies, I feel like this is ‘Nam… Be quiet, very quiet…
1:30pm Update Landed in Baltimore for our layover. Ever since seeing Ron Swanson eating a soft pretzel on Parks and Rec last night, we’ve been craving. So bad that we had mapquested our terminal to the closest soft pretzel stand… Needless to say Auntie Anne’s came through like a fucking white stallion. I struggled to type this post based on the amount of pretzel grease dripping off my fingers, do I care? Oh no, my taste buds are very thankful..
… And Mikey’s taste buds too.
Well we’re off to the next airport bar, because if I learned anything from the Wire, the less time spent in Baltimore, the better!
10:00pm (6pm Vegas time) update: Well my friends, we have landing in Las Vegas. Thankfully our flight did not include any irritating babies… just a few douchebags from New York who were watching the Hangover. Well needless to say after a few cocktails and beers, my bladder was calling for a break. Everybody knows, that you when you gotta go, you gotta go. So when I got into the plane’s bathroom, nothing was going to stop me. Not even a seat that was a little stuck. Not the gross stuck, but the malfunctioning stuck. Don’t tell Southwest, but I ripped that fucking seat off the hinges while my pants were at my ankles. Just a causality of war.
So yeah, that happened. But all is good now, I avoided trouble and have met up with everyone at the hotel. The weekend squad is together, Elizadeath, myself, Charlie, and Mikey are ready to cause trouble throughout the Vegas strip. We’re currently pregaming, napping (Elizadeath), and catching up with each other, family style. I thought we were staying at the Luxor, but apparently we’re got lost and ended up in Egypt.
We’re on the 20th floor of this pyramid and I hope to god I don’t fall off the balcony. Stay tuned for the real shit when I start spraying champagne on fat chicks. Byeeeeeeeeee!
6:45am (3:45 Vegas time) Update:
Well…..this just happened.
A shit ton of drinks, a shit ton more dancing, a fuckload of fat chicks, and zero proposals. I don’t want to sound shallow, but even drunk I still have some standards.. I can’t propose to a fat chick… unless it’s my last night and I haven’t asked anyone to marry me, then all bets are off.
2:00pm (11am Vegas time) Update Surprisingly I woke up with zero hangover. Maybe it was because I sweated out all off of my alcohol on the dance floor? Maybe because I only slept for 2 1/2 hours? Or maybe after 24 years I learned how to handle my alcohol?
But it’s just the boys now (Elizadeath is gone to San Fran) and we’re sitting at the pool enjoying the nice weather… Sorry if that’s rubbing it in at all, but don’t worry, I’m gonna burn like casper.
Also, I’m always impressed on how long girls can suck in their guts.. But nothing lasts forever, the truth always reveals itself in time.
12:30am (9:30 vegas) Update:
Hey remember when I said I was going to burn? Well I spent about an hour in the sun and I came out like a lobster. I also learned that I can’t apply suntan lotion properly. Not only do I have a burn, but it’s blotchy… #whiteboyproblems.
Well we replaced Elizadeath with two old friends (shoutout to Vince and Jenna), we’re currently stuffing our faces at the Luxor buffet, prepping for the next stage of the night. I have no idea what is next, I’m just hoping that it will include a successful proposal. Cross your fingers.
6:00am (3am vegas) update:
I’m gonna make this short and sweet. I asked a girl to marry me and she said yes, so I guess I’m engaged now. Also, I saw Coolio. What more can I say? Bucket list success.
I’m alive, extremely tired, engaged to a Hawaiian massage therapist, best friends with Coolio, and ready to get the fuck out of airports and back to Boston stat! Vegas was a whirlwind of excitement and debauchery and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
Fun Fact: I realized that I spent more time dancing than I did sleeping.
12:00am final update:
Back in the bean.