Fuck kindergarten. Everything I need to know, I learned last night in Bikram. Yes, I practice Bikram aka hot yoga. Just call me a fucking yogi. Satisfied? Good.
Anyways, usually its too fucking hot in the room (think 120 degrees) for me to even think about anything other than my swamp body (like swamp ass but over your entire body) but the instructor kept it at a very comfortable 107…which allowed me to think about everything around me. So in that 90 minutes of meditative bliss aka let-me-just-drop-a-few-more-pounds-before-i-have-to-put-a-bathing-suit-on-this-weekend I realized that everything I need to know, I learned in Bikram:
1. Incompentent people should be burned…or something (this was a carry over of my work frustrations…but I came to the burning solution while my own skin was on fire). And yes, I’m referring to a modern day witch hunt of complete and total fucktards.
2. Back hair is never acceptable. Patches of back hair is downright offensive.
3. Positive reinforcement from an authority figure doesn’t make you work harder but it sure does put a smile on your face and temporarily makes you feel real fucking good.
4. Presenting your ass to someone is no longer a relevant or acceptable pick-up tactic.
5. Washing your nether regions is crucial to preventing overall smelliness — I’m looking at you Indian man in the third row. I could smell your balls 2 rows up.
6. Anorexia is a phase every New Yorker is supposed to go through.
7. Get naked whenever possible.
I think that just about covers it (I mean, it was only 90 minutes and I WAS concentrating on balancing in the various awkward poses). But if there are any other yogis out there that can share their own learnings, feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or comment below!