Category Archives: true stories

Have I Become the Dear Abby of Tinder?

Ok, so I know it’s been almost a year since our last post…nevermind that. It means nothing. I’m back and I’m making MDHT a priority again! So much so, that I’m about to reveal a really embarrassing side of myself: I am officially the Dear Abby of Tinder.

Yes, the Dear Abby.

I’m a Libra so we’re empathetic by nature, but I surprised even myself with this one.

I typically use Tinder to troll and see if I can get a good reaction out of people. Most of the times it works…especially if I refer to them as a unicorn (just go with me) but this kid went so rogue that I was thrown off. After chatting with him for almost a day, he gave me his phone number…which is when I decided to do a quick internet stalk to see if he checked out as normal. We fortunately had a friend in common so it didn’t require a ton of work. What I didn’t expect though, was to see he was listed as ‘in a relationship’ on The Book. Yeah, Facebook official. It was like he wasn’t even trying to hide it! I told MMango and asked for advice. He advised that I stop talking to him but, as always, I do what I want and decided to continue the conversation and find the right moment to say “you’re a douche bag.”

But I was caught off guard.

He seemed genuinely upset about his current situation.

I had no choice but to turn into Dear Abby and try and offer some 100% unsolicited advice.

Here’s our convo:

tt_2 tt_3 tt_4 tt_5 tt_6 tt_7 tt_8

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Best Long Weekend Ever?

Correction: Worst long weekend ever. 

Wait, before I write anything, I think it’s safe to say that we probably lost all of our readers. For anyone who stuck around for the YEAR hiatus, I love you. And if you send me your address, I will send you a 8×10 picture of me for your wall and a wallet sized picture of Elizadeath as a child when she was super awkward. You can reach us at mdhtblog@gmail.com.

Well back to my story. So this weekend proved to be a kick in the balls, after enduring a kick in the balls. Let’s start on Saturday, when I received a speeding ticket for going 40 in a 30 (which I actually think is a 35, I’m still researching). I was pulled over by a Massachusetts’ State Cop in my hometown. I wasn’t speeding, he’s wrong. Well, as soon as I pulled over, he asked me what I was hiding. Of course, I was confused and asked what he was talking about, which he then proceeded to make me get out of the car and sit on the hood while sitting on my hands, so he could search the entire car. Let’s remind everyone, I’M IN MY HOMETOWN, and I found out later, that people saw me getting searched. Awesome. Apparently I’m a thug now.

Now, we fast forward to Monday night. While on recon at the scene of the crime, I got a call from my girlfriend that I NEEDED to get home. Why you ask? Well there was water flooding in from our ceiling because our awesome neighbors left on vacation and turned their heat off. If anyone is new to Winter, here’s a quick summary: It gets cold at night and pipes freeze. When pipes freeze, they break. When they break, and it warms up, water now flows out of the broken pipes. Pretty simple right? Well apparently not for my upstairs neighbor. Now I’m running around like it’s Africa and Toto is blessing the rain‘s on all of the clothes in my closet.

After a few hours of playing musical buckets of water, the plumber and building manager finally arrive, break down the neighbor’s door and shut the water off. But now I’m left in the carnage that was my condo. Rusty (bloody) ceiling, holes in the wall and ceilings, and it looks like a murder happened on all my clothes. See below:

Welcome to Fuck City

Welcome to Fuck City

Murder Scene upstairs

Murder Scene upstairs

Kill shirts

Kill shirts

To top it all off, while taking picture of the damage for insurance purposes, water dripped on my cellphone promoting it to no longer allow me to hear people on the phone. At the rate I was going, I was waiting to spontaneously shit my pants. That’s about how my long weekend was going. So, I really hope Elizadeath and I can get this MDHT train rolling again, because I think it helps me keep my sanity, and right about now, sanity is all I have left.

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My Grampa’s list of hated actors

 

So I visited my 93 year old grandfather this weekend. We were sitting at his kitchen table, shooting the shit, about random things: his lack of vision, the 23 bottles of Fresca he had in his fridge, how to make the perfect tomato salad.. the normal things, when I saw this list of names. I picked it up and began to examine it and noticed all these great actor names, Clint Eastwood, Paul Newman, Bill Murray, Bruce Willis to name a few.

 

So I asked, “Hey Grampa, what is this list of actor names?”

To my astonishment, he responds, “Oh, I hate those people.”

“HATE!? Grampa, you do realize that you have Dirty Harry, Cool Hand Luke, and John McClane on this list right?

no response, no expression.

“Well then, who DO you like”

“Anyone not on this list.”

 

And that my friends, is my grandfather, 93 years old and could give a shit what anyone things. The same guy who I watched The American President on demand that day, and commented on how good Michael Douglas was.. but his father, he was a terrible actor. I love this guy. Have a great weekend everyone.

 

 

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Scotland to legalize gay marriage

Yahoo! – Legalising gay marriage is the “right thing to do”, Scotland’s deputy first minister said as she announced that the Scottish government will introduce legislation to allow same-sex couples to marry.

Why am I not surprised that the country where men wear skirts by choice is the next place to legalize gay marriage? I’m pretty sure your entire country was built by gay men. Anyhew, good for them, hopefully more countries will be more progressive.. unlike some states in the US.

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Remind me never to get bitten by a snake

Fuck out of here with that shit.  Maybe it’s just me , but I like my blood flowing through my veins like a faucet and not like its sitting at the end of Bill Cosby’s spoon. I used to be okay with snakes (except if it’s living in my car). I wouldn’t get all pussy on people like I sometimes do with spiders. But as blog as my witness, if I see a snake, I’m going straight Road Runner on those motherfuckers.

meep meep

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Why wasn’t Jason Biggs cast in Magic Mike? (Also, why am I writing about Magic Mike)

[Pause] I really do hope this was an actual audition tape. The casting director must be Helen Keller if they couldn’t recognize the promise in that audition. Those moves at the end could impregnate a virgin and make a grown man cry. I’m pretty sure I did cry. Show of hands, how many of you are wet? (My hand is raised).

Well, this is also the perfect opportunity to post the gchat conversation I had with a friend today:

 Melanie:  you could be a stripper
me Magic Mango?
 Melanie:  i went to see the movie
i think u might have what it takes
 me:  minus the 6pack abs
what do i need to do
Melanie:  hah
just dance
It’s settled , if you ladies would rather me jiggle my ass all around the stage than stare at a ripped six pack, then Magic Mango is coming to dimly lit bar near you.
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Half Day Friday Happiness

How I feel at work most of the time:

How I feel at work knowing that I have a half day:

How I feel at work when I return from vacation:

See you all on Wednesday!

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I call shotgun…

 

 

…Because there’s no fucking way anyone is fitting into that back seat. How does one’s car get to that level? Does it start with one unpaid bill at a time, or did this person just rob the post office? I just hope they’re not a smoker, because this car is one spark away from lighting up like the fourth of July!

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