Tag Archives: online dating

Have I Become the Dear Abby of Tinder?

Ok, so I know it’s been almost a year since our last post…nevermind that. It means nothing. I’m back and I’m making MDHT a priority again! So much so, that I’m about to reveal a really embarrassing side of myself: I am officially the Dear Abby of Tinder.

Yes, the Dear Abby.

I’m a Libra so we’re empathetic by nature, but I surprised even myself with this one.

I typically use Tinder to troll and see if I can get a good reaction out of people. Most of the times it works…especially if I refer to them as a unicorn (just go with me) but this kid went so rogue that I was thrown off. After chatting with him for almost a day, he gave me his phone number…which is when I decided to do a quick internet stalk to see if he checked out as normal. We fortunately had a friend in common so it didn’t require a ton of work. What I didn’t expect though, was to see he was listed as ‘in a relationship’ on The Book. Yeah, Facebook official. It was like he wasn’t even trying to hide it! I told MMango and asked for advice. He advised that I stop talking to him but, as always, I do what I want and decided to continue the conversation and find the right moment to say “you’re a douche bag.”

But I was caught off guard.

He seemed genuinely upset about his current situation.

I had no choice but to turn into Dear Abby and try and offer some 100% unsolicited advice.

Here’s our convo:

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How to Grocery Shop and Find Love

WARNING: You’ll probably laugh out loud…and loudly. Do not continue reading if you are in an important meeting or conference and don’t want to be called out for not paying attention.

You farted in Whole Foods – m4w – 30 (Boston)

From craigslist Boston.

You were the tall brunette with the near-perfect body who farted in the bread section last night. I was the tall guy next to you who asked, “Was that you?” You quickly replied, “No! Wasn’t me” and almost seemed insulted I would ask. As the stink grew, you continued to deny the flatulence, but it was evident. 

I tried to get rid of the stench by waving two loaves of ciabatta bread. You stormed off in an angry huff. You are beautiful, and even if you’re a liar and fart like a Clydesdale, I’d love to meet up sometime.

No joke, I’m going to start ripping farts in Whole Foods and checking Missed Connections starting IMMEDIATELY. I always thought I was being polite by not tooting a melody on my butt trumpet, but maybe I’m missing out on true love!
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Not totally sold on Match.com

Well, I’m not dead. I guess that’s a good thing, right?

Honestly, it wasn’t a bad date…I just don’t think I’m fit to date in NYC. This guy was like the Jewish version of Ron Ron from Jersey Shore. He confessed to hating winter AND that he wasn’t very outdoorsy. Who says that to a girl who clearly identifies herself as being from Canada/NH in her profile? Whatever. I’m going to take a more proactive approach and start winking the shit out of guys I’m interested in. Get ready boys…

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Match.com can be really creepy

So it’s not news that I’m an online dater. I’ve dabbled in the world of free online dating for over a year now (what up, OKCupid!) but have decided  to step it up and join Match. I guess I’m just tired of meeting cheapos who require me to awkwardly reach for my wallet and then actually go dutch on a first date. I figure if they pay for dating services, they’ll be willing to at least cover my drinks.

I have my first Match date tonight (which I’m jazzed about) but as I was checking out my date’s profile to make sure I really want to go through with this, I got this match mail from another male suitor:

In case you can’t read the small print from this Zach Galifianakis look-alike,  it says:

I feel like you and I might be able to make an intense connection. Check out my profile and, if you think we could explore one another, get back to me so we can set something up.

Intense connection?

Explore one another?

That sounds a lot like rape, if you ask me. Match: you better step it up and screen your creepers or I’m out.

MMango: Wait, you’re not going out with that guy, are you? I know you have terrible standards, but that is just bad.

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The best way to spend Cinco de Mayo!

Wondering what to do on this holiday that, like St. Patty’s Day, is just an excuse to drink copious amounts of alcohol?

Grab a margarita and find yourself a Captain! Confused? Don’t be.

Sea Captain Date is the only place for Sea Captains to connect with men and women who share a love of the ocean.

With thousands of Captains already online, SeaCaptainDate.com is the destination for romance on the seven seas!

Seriously, I can’t think of a better way to spend this holiday. I’m just gonna put my creeper hat on, grab a bowl of tequila and find my first mate at www.SeaCaptainDate.com.  If you’re looking for me, I’ll be under “Captain&Coke”.

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I think I’m going to retire from online dating…

So I went on a date Tuesday night with an OKCupid-er and I think I’m going to give up online dating. I mean, the guy was perfectly nice…but there were some moments that, in retrospect, should have been key indicators for me to get an “emergency call from my family” aka putting my brother Michael on speaker phone and having him run the rest of the date for me.

And what are these “key moments” that have made me sworn off online dating you ask? Well…

  • He went to Yale…and wore his college ring (and no, he’s not still in college nor is he a recent graduate).
  • He was legitimately confused when I said I was Italian…even though my last name has more vowels than you can shake a stick at.
  • I paid for some of our drinks. Now, I know what you’re thinking but I swear I’m not a raging bitch. I’m just a chick who will always offer to pay but expect the guy to brush off my offer on the first date.
  • We played Connect 4 at Common Ground (http://www.commongroundnyc.com/) and he tried to talk to me about the “econ stats” of Connect 4. Now, I’m no finance aficionado but even I know that doesn’t make sense.

I mean, this date was exponentially better than IBS dude but I’d still like to have one normal date. I’m not asking for a lot. I mean, I already have a job…so I’m not even facing the same struggles that most women in America are facing these days:

So to all the men of NYC: if you’re relatively normal; aren’t still obsessed with your alma mater; will pay for drinks on the first date; and don’t have a chronic disease that makes you shit yourself, please holler.

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Bad Romance: The Official Online Dating Challenge

So it’s no surprise that I’m an online dater. From 3-names to IBS, I’ve created some really fantastic memories that will forever solidify my ultimate desire to become a crazy cat lady. That said, I’m going to step up my online dating game and take the ultimate dating challenge. After seeing this (look down now) as a recommended match from OK Cupid, I’ve decided to move onto greener pastures.

FlutterTongue? Really? All I can think of is the Pussy Eating 101 video...

Yep, I’m taking it to the next level and joining JDate AND Christian Mingle. Not sure how successful I’ll be on JDate seeing as though I’m Catholic (Shiksa anyone?) but I can’t wait to get saucy on Christian Mingle, the site that promises to “find God’s match for you.”

Let the love games begin!

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I’m officially over online dating

So if you’ve been reading MDHT/know me at all, you know that I’m an online dater. Not a serious one cause I use OKCupid/a dating service that you don’t have to pay for. Anyhew, I was reading this article on NYPost.com that was discussing a new one: AreYouInterested.com.

With the growing popularity of social networks, they’re turning to services like AreYouInterested.com. The dating application, available on Facebook and Apple’s iPhone, lets users see beyond the personal details of potential mates to their social circles, including friends and family.

AreYouInterested.com is adding more than 50,000 users a day, according to New York-based parent Snap Interactive, compared with the 20,000 new daily users Match.com reports.

Naturally I HAD to check it out. So I sign up, browse/reject a couple of profiles, log out and continue on with my family holiday festivities. Completely forget about it until I get a friend request from some random kid from Tennessee. As I have no idea who this kid is, I send him a message asking him if we know each other. This is what I get back:

And because that thumbnail is so tiny, here’s what he looks like:

Yeah. I need to start meeting people in real life.

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